To Know Why
by Lalene Brooks
Summary: He didn't mean to kill the man, he'd only wanted to control him, hadn't he? What really happened when Loki stabbed Phil Coulson?


As Loki moved to the control panel to drop the cage, a thump echoed throughout the detention room. Loki stilled as a calm voice spoke out.

"Move away please." Loki turned slowly towards the source of that oh so polite request. There stood a man he somewhat knew, Agent Phillip Coulson. Loki slipped a mask of cautiousness onto his face as he surveyed the man before him. He held a rather large weapon, though Loki doubted it could truly harm him.

He knew Barton respected this man greatly and he was well liked by all of Fury's supposed team, even Thor looked concerned for the man. Loki smirked internally as he felt the approach of one of his minions, the one that was tasked with retrieving the sceptre. Perfect. He would corrupt the son of Coul to serve him and those so called heroes would crumble further.

He ignored the meaningless words the other man spoke as he teleported himself into the hallway, leaving an illusion behind for the man to natter at. He took back his sceptre and sent the man off to prepare the jet for departure. Making himself invisible he re-entered the room and stepped up behind the man.

The sceptre worked more easily from the front but the heart could be accessed from behind. He touched the sceptre to the oblivious man's back and power surged forth.

 _Whiteness prevailed, surrounding two men in all directions. One tall Asgardian wearing armour and one slightly shorter human in a suit. Each appearance chosen by the other as most easily recognizable._

 _Ah yes. Loki always forgot this part. The discussion of the subconscious minds. A talk with the one he would control, held within the barest fraction of a second, though they could conceivably seem to take hours. Not that they ever seemed to last longer than a few minutes._

 _Neither man moved more than their expressions, not that they really could. They weren't really there after all but it wasn't just the lack of ability, neither man felt the need to. All they would do is talk and both men knew it. Loki always asked the same question that would lead to them turning themselves over to his will._

 _"What do you want?" Loki asked the man in front of him. Such a simple question but a powerful one. The subconscious couldn't lie._

 _Barton had just been shown how weak he was against him and had wanted greater strength to fight with. Loki had promised it and he had folded. Thor's pet scientist, Selvig, so afraid, had wanted protection. Loki guaranteed it and he had folded. These humans were so easily swayed. He now asked the same question of the man with him in the whiteness._

 _"I want to know why." Loki's eyebrows rose. That was new. It was always something so easily given. Strength, power, protection, the basics wants for survival in a cruel universe. This man was something different._

 _"Why what?" Loki asked confused._

 _"Why are you doing this? Why Earth? Why are you killing innocent people? Why are you acting like a monster?" Agent Coulson asked. Loki wanted remain silent. He tried not to answer but silence could be untruthful and the subconscious cannot lie._

 _"I... I want somewhere to belong. I have to retrieve the tesseract for The Other but he said I could have Midgard... Earth... As mine to rule. A place to call my own. I do regret the loss of innocent lives but I am a monster. It stands to reason that I would behave like one. Maybe with all the diversity on Midgard, even a monster could be welcomed." A small understanding smile appeared on the other man's face._

 _"Generally speaking monsters are not welcome anywhere, by anyone but you are not a monster. You are acting like one, true but that is all it is. An act. Monsters do not feel regret, remorse, loneliness or shame. Monsters do not care. You do. You are not a monster." Loki looked at the other man in shock. He truly believed that. He had to or he could not have said it here._

 _The mortal didn't understand he was Joten and yet... His reasoning of what made a monster had no inclusion of race... it could apply to anyone. Loki was confused, conflicted and he genuinely didn't know what to do next._

 _"I... I can't stop. I don't know how. It's gone too far for me to convince my conscious mind and I'm being watched anyway."_

 _"Then you need someone else to stop you." Coulson reasoned kindly._

 _"Who? Your heroes are scattered and are too busy fighting each other." Loki was lost. He'd never really wanted to rule...only to belong and he was beginning to understand that the war he was inciting would make that impossible on Midgard._

 _"I know. They need something to unify them. Something like the death of a friend." His voice was sad and Loki's eyes widened, catching on immediately._

 _"You would sacrifice your life to end this?"_

 _"I would sacrifice myself to save a single person. Doing it to save the whole world... that's a no-brainer." Loki didn't understand the terminology but the meaning was clear. He closed his eyes. If this mental construct were capable he was sure he'd be crying for the noble mortal before him._

 _"No doubt you will plague my conscious mind with nightmares, but I will remember you for this. For your sacrifice and your bravery. I hope you find peace in Valhalla for you have surely earned your place there." Loki said softly before looking up at the representation of the man he was about to kill. The SHIELD agent wore a small smile that bore both sadness and acceptance._

 _"You can be a good man. I hope you find your way to join me there someday."_

 _"Farewell Phillip Coulson."_

 _The whiteness surrounding the two men faded as Loki's subconscious mind drew back the power of the sceptre and time recommenced as he forced his physical hand forward._

The sceptre easily pierced the chest of the mortal in front of him and in shock Loki let his illusions fall half a second before he meant to. He didn't mean to kill the man, he'd only wanted to control him, hadn't he? He had to be more careful with these fragile creatures.

Loki easily played the move off as one he meant to make and dropped the cage from the airship. When the dying mortal spoke to him he hesitated. He should have just ended his miserable existence but he hesitated and spoke to him instead. He told himself it was because he was dying anyway but while he'd always been a talented liar he could never quite master lying to himself.

"You're going to lose. You lack conviction." Those words haunted him and he hesitated even more.

He hesitated to kill the man of iron when faced with him, again choosing to talk. He hesitated when the mind control failed, choosing to throw the man out the window instead of running him through like he had the other mortal.

"His name's Phil." "You're going to lose." More words haunting him and he couldn't figure out why.

He hesitated to thrust his dagger into Thor's heart instead choosing a less fatal target.

He hesitated to reach out and recover the sceptre, leaving it behind as he rolled off the roof.

He hesitated to shoot at the captain as he stood on the giving orders to people in some form of uniform, instead directing a couple of Chitauri down to him instead.

He hesitated shooting at the assassin riding on the back of the Chitauri drone, letting each shot out a half second too late.

He hesitated to discard the arrow shot at him by the archer despite immediately recognizing it was somehow still a threat.

He hesitated to throw his magic out towards the green beast, again choosing to speak instead.

He hesitated, lying in the small crater he'd been left in. He should have tried to move the moment he felt remotely capable.

"You're going to lose." Still the mortal's words haunted him and as he felt the energy of the portal dissipating above him he realised the mortal had been right.

"You lack conviction." It seemed he was right about that too because as he looked up at the collective faces of 'Earth's mightiest heroes' he didn't feel anger, frustration or even disappointment. He couldn't figure out why he felt none of that and instead felt something that surprised him.

He felt relief.


End file.
